life just goes on for everyone else i know because they all have things that make them happy, things that are guaranteed to always be there. i’m not guaranteed anything that makes me happy, only the disappointments, the triggers, and the conformities. my whole life has been nothing but emotionless; there’s sometimes tiny little fractions of not-depression that show up once in a blue moon, but those really don’t count as new feelings. i’m not allowed to have emotions other than neutral. sadness makes everyone mad at me, anger makes everyone scared of me, happiness makes everyone worried about me, i’m just supposed to be a neutral entity, like an NPC or a follower being put through training so he/she can be better at being a tool.
i feel like i’m just a tool used to make other people feel happy, whether it’s to use me as a reference of “what not to do” or something that fills a temporarily empty hole. i feel like my whole life is based around making other people satisfied; i’ve done nothing but conform to my friends’ standards, my family’s standards, my school’s standards… i’ve never been able to just express who i really want to be. the conformity i do, the tiniest bit, still doesn’t make people fully satisfied, i’m always expected more of, and they get angry if i don’t provide it. there are so many secrets i’ve kept over the years that if i expressed them, nobody, even the tiny handful of people related to me, would accept me ever again. so every little thing that makes me distinct is locked away, never to be seen or heard by any other living individual. hell, nobody has ever fucking trusted me with a secret, even though i have no evidence of being untrustworthy, so why the fuck should i ever tell anyone mine.
every aspect of my life has just been a god damn competition. gotta do the best in school, gotta be the best worker, gotta be the best white boy, gotta have the most morally correct opinion, gotta be the best friend that i can be or else people will just fucking drop me in a heart beat like they always do. i have to be perfect at everything, or else i’m just tossed aside. i can’t even fucking passively vent anymore without people feeling victimized or some shit, like i’m getting mad at them, when nothing i have ever vented about was remotely related to them, not even in the wording. maybe i just don’t meet anyone’s criteria, maybe just having longer hair, the only unique thing about my physical appearance, is too scary. maybe the fact that i have trouble speaking out verbally to anyone is too scary. maybe the fact that i have passion for things that aren’t sex, money, and drugs is too scary. maybe i’m just some fucking abomination that everyone’s mom tells their kids to watch out for. maybe it’s because i’m three months away from being 20 and i’m a virgin, or that i’ve never had a significant other, or that i made the very slightest implication that i may be having difficulty with my sexuality. maybe all these things that society kicks you aside for having is the reason i’m failing at nearly every aspect of life. maybe for all these things mixed with the competition my pathetic life is could be the source of my undesirability. maybe that’s why i’m just a utility, a little helper that lies dormant in a corner until needed—when a temporarily empty hole needs to be filled, when a job needs to be done, when somebody doesn’t want to do something that they know i can do. when whatever is needed is done, i’m just put away and forgotten about until i’m a last resort or an after-thought once more.
i’m not even wanted on the internet. everything about my internet life has to remain hidden, because these ways of thinking aren’t allowed on here. i can’t agree with feminism because that makes me a *man-hating nazi, i can’t be critical about ethics because that makes me a *smelly SJW, i can’t be comfortable with my gender because that makes me a *worthless cisscum, i can’t have a fetish because that makes me a *broken individual with no grasp on reality, i can’t like a video game because that makes me a *biased fag who got paid off, i can’t post anything i make because it gets stolen, i can’t vent on my blog because that makes me *annoying and *people start feeling victimized. even my severely and involuntarily introverted personality causes people to be scared of me, either that or i’m not extravagant enough—which is followed by being accused of being too extravagant when i’m not quiet. it’s just like….what the fuck do people want?
*generalizations that i have been accused of being, not classifications i believe in
i know it’s easy to tell me to get over all this shit and stop whining, but you’ve never had to feel the way i do. you have the privilege of many things that i don’t have and never will, which is why you won’t even make it this far in my vent, because you know you never have to deal with this. you won’t even read this big bold text because you know that this is just noise coming from a soul that’s not worth it. i’m not a funny meme to make you laugh, i’m not a product of a fandom, i’m not a gifset of something that makes you feel good, so this post is nothing to you.
i just really hope somebody eventually looks at one of these vents, and i know that’s wishful thinking. it will never happen. maybe a funny reaction gif will help
i’m just gonna keep listening to aging lyrics and gsy!be until i get tired and collapse.
oh no, i used to be good friends with the guy who made that thumbnail. pls don’t get to know him he’s not a very nice person anymore. he betrayed me so hard after knowing him for 4 years it’s not even funny.
just a little warning; random, i know, but i’m just still mad at the guy. just don’t want anyone else getting hurt.